|
Post by cat on May 5, 2013 13:06:50 GMT 1
I thought I would start my thread, but I don't have much to say. I'm feeling very tired due to not sleeping so well this past week. Going for a nap in the afternoon reminds me too much of the dark depression days, but I think it's wise to try catch up on sleep, otherwise there is always the danger of crashing hard. My danger point is when I don't do the standard housework.... it starts to make me worse and, before I know it, it takes me forever to catch up. I cannot be bothered with housework at the best of times. When it builds up, my head feels all messy with it.
|
|
|
Post by maddymoo on May 5, 2013 15:24:35 GMT 1
I can identify with that Cat. That's how I feel at the moment. An afternoon nap can be lovely
|
|
leo
Adult Group
Posts: 171
|
Post by leo on May 5, 2013 15:59:36 GMT 1
I know the feeling with the housework. Mine has got so bad I don't know where to start.
|
|
|
Post by cat on May 5, 2013 17:46:41 GMT 1
Maddy, I don't imagine you have the time for an afternoon nap...
I know Leo, I got like that a few years ago, but it makes my depression worse. I used to be ashamed to allow anyone in here. Now it's reasonably clean, but the tumbleweed are growing by the hour, jack's snotty nose has coated one of the living room windows, the kitchen floor looks like I've been having a coffee fight. The toilet, bathroom and my bed are clean, but I don't feel clean. I must be down because I haven't had a shave and I do need a shower...
Had an off and on snooze in bed with two animals spooning me, jack to the back and missy front. She presses herself against my belly to feel by breathing. They're ruined..
Feel a bit emotional after a call with my sister. Nothing that she's said, just what it has all brought to mind, is a little difficult and confusing. I'm gonna have dinner and maybe write about it later once I get the time to process it
|
|
|
Post by maddymoo on May 5, 2013 19:29:12 GMT 1
Cat, my toddler is awesome and has a couple of hours in the afternoon. When I can I join him, it's lovely.
Hope you are ok xx
Maddy
|
|
kate
Adult Group
Posts: 176
|
Post by kate on May 5, 2013 19:46:06 GMT 1
Thinking of you Cat xx
|
|
|
Post by Zaf on May 5, 2013 20:22:56 GMT 1
Try the chore and reward system Cat xxx
|
|
|
Post by cat on May 5, 2013 22:41:03 GMT 1
This is a rollercoaster day. My head's been all over the place. I dunno if I'm reducing the antidepressant too quickly or not enough. Today I've been feeling a bit out of my depth, not knowing what to do for the best.
I don't know if people notice, over the weeks/months of knowing me online, but I never really write a journal. I seem to hijack other people’s pages. Yes, of course, I get a great deal out of replying to posts. However, I'm always aware that it is probably an avoidance tactic. This is a glimpse of what goes on inside my tormented brain….
Sometimes people get the wrong impression and perhaps think I’ve got things well under control and never afraid of being bold & speaking my mind. The truth is that it rips me apart. I always have a huge issue harbouring bad feeling. It’s so much easier to be at peace with everyone.
However, maybe sometimes things just aren’t for sorting. It’s difficult to forgive when someone believes it is entirely my fault. In this sorts of situations, I have been guilty of running away, kind of, “what I don’t know won’t hurt me”. Sometimes that sounds best and even easy, but it’s difficult, especially if something means a great deal
That’s problem number one. Number two, is a nice telephone call I had from my sister. Isn’t it weird how one thing will trigger another? Cut a long story short, by chance, she came across our cousin who lives in South Africa on Facebook. He and his sister were born out there and are the children of my Dad’s brother
We have never met this brother of dad’s. He also has a sister we haven’t met and another brother who I’ve met maybe twice. I haven’t actually seen or spoke to my dad in at least 15 yrs. He and Mum are still together and there is absolutely nothing wrong between him and me. It sounds weird, but this is just his way. Plus, our relationship was always a strain
I remember asking him once about his family or girlfriends. I must have been about 15. I’ll never forget the fury in his face as he told me, or shouted at me, that it is none of my bloody business. I never asked him anything again
What got me today is the memory of something I realised a few years back. That Mum, Dad, or my sister, don’t think this situation is weird. Things are so dysfunctional; they are the last ones to see it. I only came to realise this through being away from them for so long.
The third problem is that I feel an absolute waste of space. At one time, I was a different person; a good position working for the Church of Scotland and then a local authority in London, with a reasonable salary & pension. Now, I have nothing and, as hard as I try, I cannot see the future being any different. There may be dreams but there is no motivation for change
My sister wants me to open a Facebook account to accept this cousin as a friend (we actually don’t have any other cousins). Weirdly, apparently him and me look very alike. But, tonight, I realise that I feel great shame for who I am….what I’ve become. I wonder if this is at the root of wanting to always hide away
Worst of it is, that is only a small part of my saga…
|
|
|
Post by maddymoo on May 5, 2013 22:48:04 GMT 1
Thank you for sharing that Cat, it can't have been easy for you. I don't want to sound rude, but that is very strange with your father! Maybe your mum and sister see it as normal because its all they know?
Not sure I see why you should have to have a fb account to 'friend' someone yo don't know, what's wrong with email?
Have you had therapy? With regards to your self image I mean, it might help you xx
Maddy
|
|
|
Post by shazzy on May 5, 2013 22:59:53 GMT 1
Big loving (((((((((( hugs )))))))))). Cat I think most people who are in dysfunctional relationships don't realise they are. Or if they do they choose to ignore it,
In regards to your earlier post, I to have been getting behind with housework etc. Its been a horrible week, and I to have been having a nap in the afternoon due to sleepless nights, so you are not alone.
S x x x x
|
|
leo
Adult Group
Posts: 171
|
Post by leo on May 6, 2013 1:15:50 GMT 1
Hugs.
I know my family take the view of 'if that's what she wants, let her get on with it'.
I'm well experienced at avoidance tactics. Can relate with you there.
|
|
BC
Adult Group
Posts: 267
|
Post by BC on May 6, 2013 7:10:21 GMT 1
Oh Cat, that must have been so difficult for you to write.
I could write the same for parts of it. On the outside I look like everything is under control, like not much gets to me. On the inside its a very different story. I also tend to have the 'what I don't know won't hurt me approach.'
Do you think FB would do you good? It sets my paranoia off a treat!
Xxxxxx
|
|
|
Post by Zaf on May 6, 2013 7:23:19 GMT 1
You certainly arent a waste of space Cat, but that feeling certainly seems common when we arent feeling good. From my point of view you are a lovely compassionate guy and that quality is worth a hundred times more than some other qualities
Z xxx
|
|
|
Post by cat on May 6, 2013 7:46:48 GMT 1
Thank you everyone for your kind posts. I'm trying hard to perk myself up....
|
|
|
Post by shazzy on May 6, 2013 9:08:42 GMT 1
Thinking of you Cat. I think you have to do what YOU are comfortable with in regards to your cousin, I agree with BC about FB I do have an account but very few friends mainly my boys (my sons I hasten to add lol, sounded like I have loads of men friends on there lol).
S x x x x
|
|